


I could even learn how to love (like you)

by starlightwalking



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Angst, Coming Out, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Innumerable Stars 2020, Internalized Homophobia, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, M/M, Queer Elves, Sexual Content, Soul Bond, Spontaneous Marriage, Years of the Trees, less-than-generous interpretation of LaCE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27136049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: “Russo,” Findekáno said, softer than Maitimo deserved. “Do you want me or not?”
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 18
Kudos: 59
Collections: Innumerable Stars 2020





	1. when I see the way you look

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThatFeanorian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFeanorian/gifts).



> Title(s) from "Love Like You" by Rebecca Sugar.

“I can’t—” Maitimo protested, knees trembling. “We shouldn’t—it isn’t—”

Findekáno gripped his collar, pulling him down so their noses touched. “Russo,” he said, softer than Maitimo deserved. “Do you want me or not?”

“I—” The words stuck in his throat. How could he lie and say he didn’t? But how could he succumb to this temptation, how could he pull Findekáno down with him, how could—

But Findekáno must have seen the answer in his eyes, because he tugged him just a little closer and kissed him. Maitimo made a soft noise of protest, but when he reached out to push Findekáno away he found himself instead wrapping his arms around his cousin and deepening the kiss. Findekáno let out a quiet moan, lips parting, and _oh_ , Maitimo couldn’t believe he’d denied himself this for so long.

“Russo,” Findekáno gasped, pulling back with bright eyes, and then kissed him again.

This time it was Maitimo who broke their kiss, his whole body shaking now. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of Findekáno, no matter the voice in his mind that told him this was wrong, that he was damning himself and Finno both, that he was breaking his father’s heart...

“Finno,” he whispered, and Findekáno smiled.

“I love you,” Findekáno murmured, and the traitorous part of Maitimo’s heart that wanted him swelled so greatly it consumed the wiser parts. He stared down at his cousin with wonder, astonished that someone so kind and good and brave as Finno could love him, that he would throw that all away for him.

But he couldn’t let that happen. He’d—somehow he’d dragged Findekáno into this, corrupted him, and no matter how hard he tried to control himself this was only proof that he could not keep away. Maitimo forced himself to let go of his cousin, turning and blinking away miserable tears, but Findekáno did not return the favor, still clinging to him.

“Finno, I’m sorry,” he rasped. “We can’t. You know we can’t. We’re—we’re cousins. We’re both néri. We’re...you know the Laws—”

“Fuck the Laws, and the Customs too,” Findekáno whispered. “I love you, damn it, and I don’t care if it’s unlawful. I’d do anything for you. And I know you love me too.”

Maitimo squeezed his eyes shut, sure that if he looked at Findekáno’s beautiful face and pleading eyes for a moment longer he’d melt away. Of course he loved Findekáno; who wouldn’t? If he were a nís—but neither of them were, and they were princes, Heirs of Finwë, they couldn’t just run away to be together in a world outside the Laws. It was impossible; it wouldn’t work, it _couldn’t_...

“How,” he said softly, “do you expect... _this_...to work? I—I do love you, Finno,” and _oh_ , those words were all the sweeter on his tongue for their forbidden nature, “but that’s...that’s not enough. If anyone found out...”

Findekáno’s breath caught at his confession, and he felt him press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “We’ll make it work,” he promised. “I don’t care how. We’ll act as if nothing’s changed, keep our secret to ourselves and those we can trust—”

“Who?” Maitimo interrupted bitterly, falling into Findekáno’s arms. Oh, he was doomed; they both were, and he knew that now. “We’re...néri aren’t built to be together, Finno. Who would understand?”

“You’d be surprised.” Findekáno touched his eyelids gently. “There are others like us, Russandol. Findaráto, for one. And the Teleri are not so prejudiced. That’s what this fear is, Russo, prejudice—there’s nothing wrong with us, with _you_. That we cannot be together openly is _not_ our fault.”

Findaráto? Suddenly Maitimo felt less guilty about his quiet admiration of Ingo’s form, though of course he could never match Findekáno when it came to beauty. And...he wanted to believe Finno’s words, wanted to take assurance in them. But the Valar had set down the Laws, and the Eldar had adopted them into their Customs, and who was _he_ , Nelyafinwë Maitimo, to disagree?

He tried to explain as much to Findekáno, but was shut up with a firm kiss.

“No more of that nonsense, not right now,” Findekáno insisted. “You of all people have less reason to trust the Valar than most—or do you not agree with your father in that regard?”

Maitimo hesitated. It was true that Fëanáro spoke bitterly against the Valar, though rarely in public. He adored his father, and took his words into consideration, but...

“Some things are hard to unlearn,” he whispered, burying his face in Findekáno’s curls. “But even my father... You are Nolofinwë’s son, however much I wish that were not an issue.”

“Yes, I am Ñolofinwë’s child,” Findekáno said in exasperation, “but the fact that he and I _exist_ is because of a love that stood up to the Valar and _won_. We can do this, Russo. Together.”

“Even so,” Maitimo said desperately, feeling his resolve crumbling in the face of Finno’s solid determination, “my father wants to see me married, and become a father myself. If I pledge myself to you, even in secret... This is impossible.”

“Only if you let it be,” Findekáno said, squeezing his hand. “And I don’t want to. I can’t make you do anything, I know, but Russo...believe me when I say that I love you and would face even the Valar for you.”

Maitimo took a shuddering breath. “Finno, I...I _do_ want you. I love you. I always have, even before I understood it. And I wish I were as valiant as you, but I am not.”

“Choose to be brave,” Finno begged. “Choose to love me, to be with me. _Please_ , Russo.” His voice cracked. “I do not know what I will do if you turn away from me again. Sometimes it feels as if my whole life is in your hands.” He swallowed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t...it is your choice; you shouldn’t feel as if you must love me or leave me miserable. I will find happiness on my own, if I must. But I will never stop loving you, and should you wait a thousand years to be with me I will want you even then.”

Maitimo cracked open his eyes. Findekáno looked so small, so fragile—and Maitimo’s doubts and weakness made him so. He could not stand to see him thus, and he knew then that this was not something he had lured Finno into. It was something Finno _wanted_ , despite the struggle and pain, because it was _love_ , and love was worth it.

So he took Findekáno’s face in his hands and kissed him once more, the tension and anguish bleeding out of him as he savored the taste of Finno on his lips. He was crying, and Finno was too, and they clung to one another as if it were the end of Arda and they could count on nothing but each other. In a way, that was true.

“Alright,” Maitimo whispered. “Alright. I’ll...let’s try this. I’m not strong enough to walk away, not when you offer me everything for which my heart has secretly yearned.”

“Russo, my Russo,” Findekáno wept, and held him close. “ _Thank you_ , I...I can scarcely believe this is real, I love you _so much_ —”

“I love you, too,” Maitimo said, and knew that while he was still afraid, he would face the Valar for Findekáno, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit more intense on the Valarin homophobia than my usual take on LaCE, and I think the central reason for that edict is based in a misunderstanding of how the Children work and not outright malice, but yeah, the Valar aren't really the good guys here.


	2. shaken by how long it took

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's explicit, folks. Not as much as it could've been, but be warned: sex below.

“Want to tell me again that néri aren’t built to be together?” Finno said breathlessly, rolling his hips on top of him.

Maitimo groaned, long and low. “I take it back,” he gasped, because Finno around him felt _so good_ , felt so _right_ , and maybe there was a little more effort involved in them coming together than there would be otherwise, but it was beyond worth it. He was addicted to this, addicted to Findekáno, and he didn’t _care_ anymore if this wasn’t what Eru intended, if it wasn’t what the Valar wanted, because he loved Finno and could never, ever let him go. “Finno, I take it all back, I was meant for this, I was meant for _you_ —”

He thrust up into his lover, and Findekáno cried out in ecstasy. Maitimo pulled him down into a sloppy kiss, wrapping his free hand around his cock and stroking, and before he knew it Finno was coming into his hand, clenching tight around him and tipping Maitimo over the edge along with him.

“Yes, yes, yes—” Findekáno moaned, _yes, yes, Russo, yes—_

 _Finno?_ Maitimo whispered, astonished by the voice in his mind, by the sudden _closeness_ he felt to his beloved, by the burning of his fëa and the golden light of Finno’s own—

Findekáno stilled, staring down at him with wide eyes. “R-Russo?” he whispered. _You can—hear me?_

 _I—_ Maitimo blinked away hot tears, overwhelmed by the love that wrapped around him like a blanket, a better feeling even than Finno’s body tight around his cock. _Finno...?_

Findekáno sobbed, kissing him again. _Russo, I...we—!_

Suddenly it dawned on him, what had happened, what they’d done. They hadn’t thought—they hadn’t worried—they hadn’t known it was even _possible_ , that they _could_ , but now they _had_ without even meaning to—

“I’m sorry,” Maitimo blurted out, even though the joy that wound through his fëa was half Finno’s and half his own. “We sh—”

Findekáno clapped a hand over his mouth. “If you say ‘we shouldn’t have’ _one more time_ —” _I swear I’ll kill you._

 _Kill me? Your own husband?_ Maitimo thought dizzily, and Finno laughed and sobbed and kissed him. Maitimo was still inside him, and when Finno began to grind down on him again he groaned, his desire waking once more, and this time...this time he’d do it right.

 _We’re bound to each other now,_ Findekáno murmured in his mind, letting Maitimo readjust their position so he was on top. Stars, but he was beautiful, sweaty and debauched and glowing with love, _Maitimo’s_ love. In a flash he shared the vision with Finno, unable to express in that moment how gorgeous he was, and was met with an equally lovely vision of himself from Finno’s eyes, his long red hair spilling about his shoulders and a look of utter adoration in his silver eyes. Maitimo knew, logically, that he was beautiful—it was what he was named for, after all—but to see himself as Finno did...

This time their lovemaking was slow and tender, and Maitimo savored every moment of it, every hitch of Findekáno’s breath and every spike of pleasure that stabbed through him. He felt it all, felt his own ecstasy mixed with Finno’s, mixed with his _husband’s_ , and even though they hadn’t intended this to end in marriage he couldn’t find himself able to regret it.

“Let’s do this properly,” he whispered, clutching Finno’s hands even as he moved inside him. “I know—this isn’t what we thought—”

 _I never even dreamed,_ Findekáno thought hazily, _I knew it would be good, I knew you would feel amazing within me, but Russo, I never thought...I never thought it would be like_ this _. For all my insistence that this couldn’t be wrong, that our love was beautiful, I never thought..._

 _Eru_ does _love us,_ Maitimo realized. _The Valar..._ Manwë _is wrong. Marriage, that is Eru’s domain, and he has blessed us, two néri!_

“I love you,” Findekáno cried out as Maitimo brushed the spot inside him that lit up his whole hröa with delight. “Oh, Russo, my _husband_ , I _love_ you—!”

“I bind myself to thee,” he murmured, nipping briefly at Finno’s ear. “In Eru’s name, I make thee mine. Findekáno Astaldo Nolofinwion, my husband. I swear—” he choked up a little— “I swear I will be with thee always, I swear I will fight for thee; thou makest me brave, Finno, thou makest me better than I am. I am thine and will be forever.”

 _Russo, Russo,_ Findekáno wept, and surged up for a kiss. “I have always been thine,” he whispered, “always, my love. But—but now—I bind myself to thee also, Nelyafinwë Maitimo Fëanárion, my Russandol. I will be with thee always, forever, until the end of Arda; I swear it on my very fëa. Thou art my husband, in Eru’s name.”

And they felt it then, both of them: Eru’s love, all-encompassing, binding them together irreversibly. It consumed them utterly, and Maitimo wondered how he had breathed before this, how he had lived without Finno tied to him in every way. He cried out and came again, spilling his seed deep within his husband, and this time he was too sensitive to stay inside for long. Finno whimpered, still achingly hard, and Maitimo felt his need as if it was his own; but he could never fail in his duties to his husband, and bent to take Finno in his mouth, letting Finno claim him the way he had been claimed, savoring the taste of him, the love and unity it symbolized.

 _I love you,_ he said when they were finished and lay stretched out on the bed together. Their marital bed, however unintentional it had been. _I know this isn’t...what either of us expected, but I love you. And I cannot regret it._

 _Never, never,_ Findekáno said fiercely. _Oh, Russo...I had not even dreamed this was possible. But it_ is _, more than possible, it’s_ real _, and you are_ mine _after all this time—!_

Maitimo kissed him, because he knew not how else to express his love. And yet, he felt it overwhelming him, flowing into Finno through this newly-crafted bond, and knew that his husband knew.

“What are we going to tell everyone?” he asked softly.

Finno sighed. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I thought we could keep it secret, but...they’ll see it in our eyes. They’ll know. And I don’t want to lie, not anymore.”

“We didn’t ask permission,” Maitimo mused. “Not like Haru and Indis. And—they...the Valar can’t undo this. No one can.”

 _You’re mine,_ Findekáno said fiercely. _I won’t let them separate us._

“My father will be furious.” But Maitimo found he barely cared. There was a long road ahead of them, but...Finno was with him. Finno would _always_ be with him. And with Finno at his side, there was nothing he could not do.

“We’ll figure it out,” Findekáno promised. “Somehow. We will. Even if we need to leave Tirion, leave Valinórë...I don’t want to, but if we must, we must. I love thee, Russo. My _husband_.”

 _Husband,_ Maitimo echoed back, overcome by the wonder of it. _Husband. I love thee, too._


	3. I could do about anything

Now that the time had arrived, Maitimo found he didn’t know what to say. He clutched Findekáno’s hand tightly, and his mind even tighter, staring at their fathers wordlessly. Even that was, in its own way, a damnation: Fëanáro and Nolofinwë could see the evidence of what they’d done shining in their eyes, and someone would say something soon enough.

“Nelyafinwë,” and of course it was Fëanáro who broke the silence, “you—how long—to whom—?”

“I think _that_ is quite plain,” Nolofinwë said in a voice like ice, and Maitimo shivered. Findekáno tightened his grip on his hand, and Maitimo reached out reassuringly.

 _We will get through this,_ he promised. _I’m here. I’m here, Finno._

Findekáno was too terrified to even respond mentally, and that shook Maitimo in a way he hadn’t known was possible. Finno was the brave one, the valiant one, but now he was afraid. Taking a deep breath, Maitimo realized that it was his turn to be the courageous one. For Finno, he could do anything.

“Nolofinwë has the right of it,” he said, and wished his voice wasn’t so strained, but at least he had found it after all. “Finno and I—”

“ _What_?” demanded Fëanáro. “You—and _him_ —!”

“Yes, Atar,” Maitimo said stiffly. “Findekáno and I are married. We—we wed just a few nights ago. We have been together for some time, over a year—”

“ _What_?” This time it was Nolofinwë who interrupted, and Findekáno flinched.

Maitimo took his husband in his arms, holding onto him for support, and continued: “As I said, we have been together for awhile, ever since Finno convinced me to stop worrying about...everything, and just listen to my heart. And my heart is with him, as it ever has been.”

“Maitimo,” Nolofinwë growled, “do not try and blame _my son_ for your—degeneracy—”

“ _No._ ” Now Finno spoke, though he trembled in Maitimo’s embrace. “Don’t you _dare_ blame him. I _love_ him, Atya, I always have and I always will, and he speaks the truth. _I_ was the one who approached him, he would—he would _never_ have done _anything_ against my will—”

“He is fifteen years your elder!” Nolofinwë boomed. “He has seduced you, _ruined_ you—”

Something wild seized Fëanáro, and he laughed. “Oh, I see now, yonya. You have done well to stain the reputation of my half-brother’s House, though why you had to involve yourself so closely—”

“He is fifteen years my elder, and I am twenty years past my majority!” Findekáno shouted, even as Maitimo turned to glare at his own father.

“I bound myself to him!” Maitimo snapped. “I did not do this to hurt his Valar-damned _reputation_ , that was what put me off for so long, but I am _his_ now and I don’t _care_ that it’s—that you think it’s wrong for two néri to be together—”

“I don’t give a damn about _that_ ,” Fëanáro scoffed. “Want who you want; I’ve known for decades that you would not give me grandchildren, Nelyafinwë, and the blasted Valar and their rules mean nothing to me. But I never thought your dalliances would go _this far_!”

“It is not a dalliance!” Maitimo clung tighter to his husband. “Atar, _I love him._ He is my _husband._ I—I admit we didn’t _expect_ for things to turn out this way, but Eru blessed us and I will _not_ let you slander him this way.”

“What did I do wrong in raising you?” Nolofinwë asked despairingly. “Findekáno, surely you know you cannot—”

“And yet I _can_ ,” Findekáno said, sticking out his chin.

“The Valar—”

“The Laws and Customs are not divine,” Finno hissed. “Were they truly Laws of nature, of _Eru_ , we would not be standing here as we are, bound as husbands. If the Valar outcast us—if _you_ turn us away—it matters not. We will leave, to lands beyond, even to Endórë, where we can be free, _together_.”

A hush fell over them all. Maitimo nodded firmly, still staring down Fëanáro.

“You truly mean this,” Nolofinwë said quietly.

“We do,” Findekáno confirmed.

Fëanáro looked away at last, glancing to Nolofinwë for support. What great irony, that!

“And what do you wish of us, then?” he asked, his voice almost raspy.

Maitimo trembled, and now it was Finno who supported him. “Your acceptance, if not your approval,” he said. “Your support when our marriage becomes public knowledge, and when we must inevitably face the Valar. But—I know that is much to ask. Simply...allowing us to be, allowing us our love. That would be enough.”

“Atya,” Findekáno said, “the remarriage of Finwë is the only reason you and I _are_.” He glanced briefly to Fëanáro. “I know this subject is...controversial, but surely you can understand a marriage that does not follow convention.”

“And surely you, Atar, will not stand to see the Valar rid you of your son as you believe they did your mother,” Maitimo added.

Both their fathers looked down, caught in their own tangled web of dogmas. Hope lifted Maitimo’s breast, ever so slightly, and he felt it rise within Findekáno too.

“I must think on this,” Nolofinwë said at last. “Findekáno...” He took a deep breath. “I love you. Your mother, your siblings—they love you also. That will never change. I cannot say I understand...” He swallowed. “But I cannot condemn you, though perhaps I should. Not when I see so clearly how much Maitimo means to you.”

“Thank you, Atya,” Finno whispered, and slipped from Maitimo’s arms to embrace his father.

“I would never cast you out, Nelyafinwë,” Fëanáro said gruffly. “I cannot say I approve of your choice of... _husband_...but I have long thought this particular Custom to be restrictive.” He shrugged. “I love your mother, enough to produce all seven of my sons—”  
  
“ _Atar,_ ” Maitimo groaned, and a sparkle lit Fëanáro’s eyes.

“—but I cannot say I have never admired a nér from afar.” Fëanáro winked, and Maitimo blushed. “The Valar cannot control us Eldar, and we must show them so. I will fight with you, yonya, if this is truly your desire.”

Maitimo stared at him, astonished. He had expected that Nolofinwë would be the one more easily won over, not Fëanáro! He sniffed, wiping away a tear, and let his father embrace him.

 _It is a wonder, truly,_ Findekáno whispered to him across their bond. _And I believe my father, too, shall come around in time._

“Thank you,” Maitimo wept, and held his father close. “I know this is not easy to learn, nor to do—”

“You are my eldest son, Nelyafinwë,” Fëanáro said firmly. “I am so very proud of you, even if I do not fully understand your...affinity for young Findekáno.”

“I’m not that young,” Finno said irritably. “Please disabuse yourself of the notion that Russandol seduced me into sin, or whatever such nonsense. If anything, it was _I_ who corrupted _him_!”

“Finno,” Maitimo sighed, but he turned back to his husband and took his hand. After a moment, he looked to both their fathers, then back to Findekáno, and smiled.

“I love you,” he whispered, and kissed his husband there for all to see, and knew that though the road ahead of them was long and difficult, together they would see it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this turns into a canon divergence AU or not... It could end up in the Valar changing their minds because Russingon is just that powerful (they definitely helped me change mine, lol, when I was a youngster first coming into my own queerness), or in them being rejected and that's the reason they go to Middle-earth, or in some sort of stalemate that Melkor breaks leading to canon chaos...who knows! You decide! But no matter what they get to be together because I love them and I love their love ;-;

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](https://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
